Thursday, March 26, 2009

Feliz Aniversario de Rio De Janeiro

I decided to skip out on checking out the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador to stay in Rio for my birthday instead. My friend Tyler asked, "Beer and bikinis trump evolution?" and my answer is that the existence of beautiful bikini-clad Brasilian babes is only further evidence that evolution is not just a theory, but a simple fact.

Ben, Itamar and I travelled back to Rio after a week of relaxing on the beaches of Pipa for a week to meet up with Deborah, Ben´s girlfriend. We celebrated our first night in Rio by celebrating Purim, an Israeli holiday that Jewish rabbis declare is a day to drink until you pass out. If I were Jewish, then my past ten months have been one long continuous Purim! We had to dress up in costumes, and unfortunately, we didn´t really have time to buy anything for the evening so we ended up picking through Deborah´s 11-year-old brother´s old costumes. Naturally, none of the stuff fit, but that really didn´t deter me. I don´t really know what I was, nor did I really care!










From Rio


Over the past few weeks I had known Ben, he, with his 22-year old naivete, kept talking all this trash about me being an old man, especially with my 33rd birthday coming up. He said he could run faster than me, so we raced each other and though I´m no Carl Lewis, I beat him handily. He also said he could beat me in basketball, to which I took major offense, given that he´s Israeli, and I´m an American. Fortunately, I avoided any Team USA Olympic-sized embarrassment, and beat him as well. To his credit, he´s not bad at all, and the games were a lot closer than I anticipated. Anyway, some random birthday thoughts:

- One morning, I looked in the mirror and saw an eyebrow sorta askew, just pointing out in a direction it shouldn´t have. Upon closer inspection, I realized that it was a lot longer than I thought, like, almost an inch long! My Humphrey Bogart moment had finally arrived, and with it, a sudden realization that my ear hairs would be next.

- The thought of settling down, getting married, having 2.3 children and living in a tree-lined cul-de-sac in a quiet suburban city is sounding like a great idea these days..... Hah! Yeah right, who am I trying to kid???!!!!

- I truly wonder what I will be doing 10 years from now. Taking a page out of "A Christmas Carol", if 33-year old Daniel had visited 23-year old Daniel and told him everything about this trip, 23-year old Daniel would have probably thought 33-year old Daniel was nuts and never would have believed it. What would 43-year old Daniel say to me now? That I had moved to Africa and started an NGO? I moved to Denmark to open a restaurant? Maybe, that I moved to Mammoth and opened a bed and breakfast? More than likely, I will have moved to Brasil and had 10 kids with a supermodel! Either way, I´d say he was nuts and would never believe him.

-I have also realized that I am truly happy with everything in life. Granted, I have my regrets in life, of course. Like, spending 50K on my Mercedes CLK back when I was 24. I will never do that again, knowing full well that I could take a year off to travel around the world with much less than that.

My Benz gave me… whereas a lesser amount for this trip gave me....
1) countless hours sitting in LA traffic..... breathtaking airplane arrivals and departures.
2) tons of parking tickets.... one ticket to travel through 25+ countries across 5 continents.
3) $8,000 check from Carmax after 8 years of ownership....priceless memories I will never forget.
4) a couple of dates with a few girls... many potential future ex-wife candidates.
5) one life-threatening car accident... one life-changing experience.
6) a crappy sunroof that did not work all the time... unforgettable midnight sunsets in Scandinavia.
7) foglights that burned out every few months... foggy nights (and hungover mornings!)

The list goes on, but the conclusion is pretty clear, next time you think about that car, take a year off instead! Wise words from a 33-year old fart.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

"25 Random Things" and "Where I Should Be Living"

Back when I was in college, chatting via IRC was a mind-blowing technology. You mean I can type in real-time with any friend with a computer and a 14.4k modem???!! Netscape Navigator???!! Rocket science, man. And here we are in 2009, and my, my, my, how. things. have. changed. I am beginning to sound like an old man.... ("But you ARE, Daniel!") We are living in a time when I can find out with just a couple of clicks what all 345 of my "friends" on Facebook are up to without even reaching out to them. Is that a good thing? Well, for a traveller like me, I would have to say the pros far outweigh the cons. Meeting up with old classmates I haven't seen in over a decade, keeping in touch with new friends and fellow travellers, etc, has been much easier with social networking sites like Facebook. However, it has made us all a bit lazier with maintaining and cultivating our friendships, with Chinese-water-torture-like viral requests like "25 Random Things" and now, "Where I Should Be Living."

So, in the spirit of things, I thought I'd finally resign myself to writing "25 Random Things," not about me, but about the 25 countries I have been to so far, as well as address the Facebook question du jour, "Where I Should Be Living."

Hong Kong - "Wai" and "Diu!" are probably the first two words that come out of a baby's mouth. (If you don't understand Cantonese, ask somebody you know who does and I guarantee you'll either make a new friend and/or get punched in the face.)

Spain - San Sebastian, home to the only bar I've been to (and that's saying quite a bit, by the way) where I asked for a bottle of water and got a beer in return from a fairly disgusted bartender.

Scotland - The only place where I saw a drunken old lady stumble out of a bar in the middle of the day, most likely kicked out because she, ahem, pissed her pants.

Ireland - There is a Budweiser tap, right next to a Guinness tap INSIDE St. James' Gate Brewery (Guinness HQ). Damn you, Americans.

England - The announcement on the London Underground (Tube) that the Picadilly Line terminates at Cockfosters is always funny. And, despite flying into London 8 times, and hanging with ten million Brits on this trip, I still can't say "bollocks" properly, and probably never will.

Poland - "Lew" means "lion" in Polish... I am Daniel, hear me roaaaaaaaarrrrrrr!

Latvia - One day, when Women Running Down Cobblestoned Streets with 3-inch Heels becomes an Olympic sport, Latvia will surely take gold. Estonia, silver.

Estonia - Home to the best way to say "cheers." They say, "DirVy sex" to which I always mispronounced on purpose, "DirTy sex," much to the chagrin of the locals, but to my neverending amusement.

Finland - Speaking of sports, if Wife Carrying ever becomes an Olympic sport, Finland would clean house. (Estonia, again, would take second.) Is it a coincidence that it was invented in a country with the highest rates of alcohol consumption?

Sweden - If you ever decide to go to Sweden, rent a Volvo, drive yourself to Ikea to eat some Swedish meatballs, and call (or better yet, wake) up your buddies back home in the US with an Ericcson to tell them (in your worst Swedish accent) it really is worth doing, just for laughs.

Norway - A 12-ounce bottle of Coke at a 7-11 costs about $5, chump change!

Denmark - The free-town of Christiania (in Copenhagen) is an added bonus to an already great city.

Holland - The only time I ever had to say to another woman, "If you keep following me, I'm going to kill you!!" (She was trying to scam me and my buddies about $80 for a taxi ride that really should have only costed $5, and literally chased us down for a good two blocks into a parking structure.) Oh yeah, she smelled like onions, too.

Germany - Bumper cars + steins and steins of beers with my best friends + Bavarian women dressed in dirndles = an Oktoberfest I will never forget. Munich 2009, anyone???!!

Greece - The Greeks say that if your earlobes are not attached, you're a true Greek. If they are attached, then that makes you of Turkish descent. So, I guess that makes me Turkish!

France - The French love Barack Obama more than most Americans.

Turkey - Sleeping past sunrise without earplugs is practically impossible anywhere (unless you're Muslim and you happen to be up already for the Islamic call to prayer)

Bulgaria - Nodding up and down means no, shaking your head side to side means yes! (I know, I mentioned that already in a previous post, but I still can't get over it!)

Egypt - Do you like playing Frogger? Play, or rather, cross any busy street in Cairo for the real-life version! Just as fun!!!

Ghana - You thought "Last King of Scotland" was a good movie? Wait till you see "First Chinese-American Chief of Karaga!"

Argentina - Asking for pepper in a restaurant is like asking for ice in Ghana.

Uruguay - If there were direct flights from Los Angeles to Uruguay, I'd buy a 500K beachfront condo there and live like a Miami Vice drug lord-- without the drugs and the flourescent green tshirts, of course.

Chile - Happy hours START at 10pm and END at around midnight!!!

Brasil - Everybody here thinks I look like Jackie Chan. I call bullshit.



As far as "Where I Should Be Living," I think the answer is pretty obvious after visiting 25 countries... It is not so much a matter of where I should be living, but rather, that I AM living.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Random adventures in Natal and Pipa, Brasil

After Carnaval in Salvador, Ben convinced me to head north to Natal and Pipa, about a 20 hour bus ride north of Salvador, to relax and recover on some of the most beautiful beaches of Brasil. His older brother had visited the area a few years before and highly recommended it. We met Itamar, another Israeli at the bus station whom Ben knew from before, and ended up joining us along for the ride. Av-Sharon, Doron and Avi decided to head south, eventually towards Bolivia. I'm sure by now, Doron's probably been arrested, Av-Sharon's got one glass eye, and Avi probably lost his mind, if all goes well.

It's been an interesting and positive experience to have met so many Israelis during my time here in South America. They're all over the place, as South America and India are the top two destinations for the 20-somethings coming out of their 3-year military obligations in Israel. When I asked my friends why that is the case, (as opposed to Europe, or Australia, or even Asia) they all said matter-of-factly, "because it's cheap, and Israelis are cheap!" The guys were extremely keen on hearing what life in America is like, especially college life. When I recounted stories of my experience as a frat boy, Av-Sharon simply stated, "You see, that is why I want to live in America, while you guys drink beer, have parties and hook up with girls, we have to go to the military and risk getting our legs blown off!"

Towards the end of our 20-hour bus ride from Salvador to Natal, our bus stopped in front of an overturned truck with its cargo strewn all over the road. Tons of people were running out from all over the place and I originally thought they were coming out to check out the scene, and maybe help the poor guy lying on the floor. Turns out, they were looting the truck of all its cargo-- not food, not plasma TVs, not anything of value, but rather, plastic rubber booties and random medical supplies that were really of no use to anybody. As we passed the truck, Ben noticed that the fuel tank was leaking gas. I have no idea what happened after we left but I hope the driver is ok. As far as whether or not the truck blew up and hurt anybody looting it, I leave that up to karma and the powers that be.


The next day, we decided to hop on a dune-buggy excursion along the sand dunes of Natal. I think I had about two near-death experiences riding on that death buggy. One of them occurred when the death-buggy took a crazy turn and I was literally hanging on with all the strength I had to keep from falling off. If anything so much as a butterfly landed on me, I would have certainly lost my grip, I kid you not. Here's a clip of a more tranquil part of the ride:



We went to Pipa a couple of days later, a beach paradise most famous for the dolphins that swim, feed, and rest there. I could technically say I swam with dolphins, but they were about 30-50 feet away from me... Supposedly, they will come up to you if you go out deeper and hang out for a bit, but I didn't really want to tread water for that long during the sunset and into the evening when they normally come out. I also didn't want to serve as the inspiration for the next Jaws movie, "Dolphins Gone Wild!"

Unfortunately, just one day before we arrived to Pipa, a 59-year old Swedish tourist was robbed and shot at his hotel. He later died in a hospital. In a small town almost entirel dependennt on tourism, this was big news, and apparently is the first time any tourist has ever been killed in Pipa. I am not sure exactly what really happened but according to those who heard the commotion, they said he may have tried to resist the robbery, a big no-no in Brasil, where thieves will kill you for nothing at the slightest provocation or resistance. Despite the somber news, though, none of us let that deter our mindsets, in terms of how we were going to enjoy the place. You just have to keep on doing what you were planning on doing and let things happen as they should. If anything, Pipa was probably the safest place to be in Brasil after that murder. If I planned my trips to avoid "dangerous" places, I'd end up doing absolutely nothing but watch TV and play Rock Band in my living room in Santa Monica.

One evening, we were approached by a local Brasilian, who spoke perfect English since he lived in Canada for a bit. He ran a day-long boat excursion for tourists like us, and offered to take us out for about $80, including all you can drink and eat. A fairly high sum, we all thought, so we politely declined and told him we'd think about it. He didn't even have a business card so it seemed a bit sketchy. We saw him again the next night, and he asked us if we made up our minds and we told him $80 was a bit out of our budget and that we were thinking more along the lines of $20 per person just to get him off our backs. Not surprisingly, he said that it was feasible-- and that's when we realized this guy was probably going to just take our deposit and leave. Over the next week, however, we saw him everywhere, and he asked us everytime if we were going to do the tour. He would catch up with us on a bike on our way back to the hostel at 3am, he popped up in the club we partied at, he showed up in the bars and restaurants-- you name it, we saw him there, which only confirmed our suspicions that this guy was really just nuts (or a persistent scam artist.) One sunny afternoon, I was swimming in the ocean and I heard someone yell out my name from the beach, waving his hands in the air, trying to get my attention. I looked and saw that it was the same crazy guy, "Daniel, do you still want to do the boat trip!??" Finally, one night at a club, I told him off and said that he was freakin us out. I may have even given him a lecture on sales 101, and that his methods were a bit too stalker-ish. He never harassed us again!

Travelling with a couple of guys whose English was not their primary language was hilarious because many times, something would seriously get lost in translation. Here are a few examples:

"I want to shuffle my face in her butt." Ben, commenting on a beach babe walking by us.

"I am not so straight...." Itamar, when I told him to talk to the girl he was eyeing from afar. To his defense, he did immediately correct himself afterwards, and said that he's not so straightforward. Right.

"I like to splash the water in my face when I am shitting." Ben, trying to explain something that, to this day, I have no idea really, what he was trying to say.

"I don't swim in your toilet so don't piss in my pool." Itamar, using this phrase incorrectly to describe something totally irrelevant to the conversation.

"I was going down on you when you were passed out." Ben, saying something no man should ever say to another man. Apparently he was trying to say something to the effect of coming down the stairs while I was passed out. Either way, I still cry in a fetal position on some nights.

"Like a molk, you know, a molk? You don't know what a molk is?" Ben, attempting to explain this non-existent word by cupping his right hand against his neck. Apparently, he meant leech.

In a nutshell, Pipa is definitely worth a return visit for me, despite the recent murder and crazy day-boat excursion nut. With $2.5 lunches, $130/month rent, friendly locals, and a small beach town vibe, it's a nice contrast to the more expensive and cosmopolitan beach areas of Rio and Salvador. Speaking of Rio, as most of you have figured by now, I can't seem to shake myself out of Brasil-- it is a huge country after all, and definitely plenty to see. I will be going back to Rio for a couple of weeks and decided that I will most likely be skipping the extremely expensive Galapagos Islands and hanging here until my 33rd (gasp!) birthday on March 23rd with my friends here. Besides, I am sure even Darwin would agree that watching giant tortoises in their natural habitat for your birthday is not as interesting as hangin' with thong-clad Brasilian babes on the beach!