"Walk Like An Egyptian...."

Before I took off for Cairo I had a layover in London for a couple of days to sort out a few things. After having flown into London 6 times already during this trip I've found that its been like a second home or me-- I even have a few favorite restaurants and cafés I go to as well as a nice place to get my haircut! I was able to check in to the British Airways lounge where I was pretty overwhelmed... All the other times I flew in and out of London I never really had much time to use it. What a pity, as the lounge offers free (unlimited) 15-minute spa treatments of facials, massages, etc. Add in free food and booze and I was tempted to just stay and forget about my trip to Egypt! But alas, the show must go on...

Flew into Cairo late around midnight and found a cab to my hotel, Caesars Palace. I booked the place ahead of time just because I thought it'd be cool to stay at a place called Caesars Palace in Egypt, plus it was only $35 for the night (sidenote to my foreign friends: Caesars Palace is a luxurious casino resort in Las Vegas, Nevada.) Just like the one back in Vegas, they tried to take more money from me than I was willing to part with. They refused the reservation I had for $35 and wanted $65 for the night. They gambled that I'd cough up the dough and wouldn't venture out to look for another hotel in the middle of the night in a foreign country and I'm happy to report that they lost! I walked out into the dark streets of Cairo at 1:30am determined to find another place to stay.

Luckily, I ran into a couple of cops dozing off in their car and they helped me get a legitimate taxi to the only other hotel that I could think of, the Victoria Hotel (it was to be our meeting point for the tour group the next day) Arrived there but the place was full. Took another cab to another hotel and that was also full. Hopped into another cab and finally got to the Atlas hotel where they thankfully had a room for $35. Done deal, I emerged victorious!

Throughout the situation that night, I offered cigars to every stranger, cab driver, security guard and police officer I came across who helped me, and made a concerted effort to crack as many jokes as possible. I figured, at the very least, if I was going to get kidnapped or something at least one of the guys would vouch for me and maybe buy some time before I show up on Al-Jazeera with a bag over my head and two swords across my neck!

I do have to say how friendly everybody was right away. Everybody I met, they would ask me where I was from, I would say, "America....(pause for befuddled look of confusion) yes, I'm really from America-- but I'm Chinese..." and every single one would always say, "Welcome to Egypt." I wonder, would we as Americans exhibit the same type of friendliness to Arabic visitors from Egypt or the Middle East? I hope so.

Highlights: (editorial note-- normally I don't do day-to-day accounts of my travels but there was just too much stuff not to mention on this trip)

Day 1: Our tour began with the introductory meeting-- there was Adele, a nurse from Essex, UK, Jenn, a personal trainer from Seattle, Sue, (Australia) a school administrator, Penie (Australia) also a nurse, and Chris and Scott (Park City, Utah) the only married couple on our trip. Small group, but I was the only single guy so I always got my own room! Definite highlight after having stayed in dorms for the past 6 months.

Day 2: Went to visit the ancient pyramids in Giza-- and learned that they are exactly 1 million kilometers away from the sun. How did they figure that out???!! It was strange to travel around Cairo, as kids would literally just come up to me and ask to take pictures with me. I felt like a celebrity... little did they know that the only thing I would be famous for in Egypt is my ability to clean up everybody's leftovers. I would be crowned the "family dog" for the rest of the trip. "RUF!!"

Day 3: Shopped in Aswan with Jenn and Adele, and everywhere we went the store vendors would yell out whatever English they knew. From the common, "Hello, American!" to the outrageous, "Yakuza" to whatever American city they knew, "Ahhh, Chicago... New York... Kentucky! (Kentucky?!! I mean, really now...) to my personal favorite, "Ahhh, two wives, Casanova, lucky man!!" Jenn and Adele just smiled and indulged me, allowing me a rare moment of glory. Thanks ladies!!

Day 4: While everybody else woke up at 3am to take a 3 hour bus to see Abu Simbel, I decided to 'simbel'y sleep in and skip the optional (read: additional expense) day trip. Ya see one temple, you've seen em all, right?!! :) I just mosied on around town, had lunch at a local joint for $3, caught up on my blog and really appreciated having some alone time on this tour. Besides, with two full days trapped on a felluca coming up, I needed all the solitude I could get. Or rather, the rest of the group would need all the time away from me as possible!

Day 5: Sailing up the Nile was extremely relaxing -- something about lying around on a sailboat with nothing but a book and the sound of water splashing around was incredibly idyllic. I, along with Adele, Jenn and Sue, decided to go for a swim, despite Lonely Planet's warning that certain fish can crawl up your ass. Esam, our wonderful guide, thinks Lonely Planet is actually a bad word, and repeatedly assured us that the area we were swimming in was perfectly fine. I'll take his word over any guide book any day of the week:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/3128830/Paul-Morrison-Guide-Award-winner.html

Anyway, swimming in the Nile was cool and refreshing, especially after I decided to warm up the surrounding groinal area with some good ole fashioned piss. How often do you get the chance to say you swam AND pissed in the Nile? (Don't worry, ladies, I was downstream from you!) And just for the record, no fish swam up my bungholio.

We docked later that night next to a few other groups, and asked a few Australian guys to help me forage for some wood in the desert to build a bonfire on the beach. There was something very primal and caveman-like about bringing wood back to where everybody else was. I think I grew some hair on my chest that evening. Ok, fine, maybe just one. So what if it was on my nipple? We sang and danced to Nubian songs the rest of the evening, which was a definite highlight for me.

Day 6: I ran out of beer today (surprise, surprise) and was a bit dismayed that I didn't order more before the trip. You see, we had this little sign up sheet where we had to detail how many beers we needed for the boat ride. When this sheet came to me, I looked at everybody's entries-- 1 beer, 2 beers.... 4 beers. So in my head, I thought, well, I really would like 24, but that would just kinda make me seem.....odd. So I put down 8, thinking 4 per night would do the job. Who was I trying to kid?!!

Day 7: Saw Luxor and couldn't find a single slot machine or blackjack table. No huge light beaming into outer space either. (What were the Vegas developers thinking???) Sue and Penie "shouted" me 2 beers, more Aussie mumbo jumbo that just means they paid for my drinks. A taxi driver outside the bar shouted at me, saying "Shellfish man, two wives!!" Love it....

Day 8: Valley of the Kings. I rode a donkey for the first time ever (hereinafter referred to as my ass, for simplicity's sake.) My ass was a bit smelly, and was able to poop and walk at the same time. Talk about multitasking! On the way up to the valley, Jenn's ass bit my ass and a donkey rodeo ensued, starring yours truly. It wasn't fun for me, as I was trying to hang on to my ass, as well as two cameras, while my stupid ass kept getting bit by Jenn's. Jenn was in tears the whole time and I can't say I blame her. I'm sure the whole scene seemed pretty funny from the outside, but man, I was pretty freaked out. I will forever remember the Valley of the Kings as the Valley Where My Ass Got Bit.

Day 9: Nothing really eventful here, as far as highlights are concerned. We did visit Karnake Temple, where I walked around a beetle stone once for good health. Coincidentally enough, later that evening, I would eat a bad cheeseburger and get the runs.

Day 10: Spent the entire day in my hotel room doing all kinds of stuff I didn't know my ass was capable of.

Day 11: Hiked up to Mt. Sinai, where I broke one of the Ten Commandments and said the Lord's name in vain for my flatulence and diarrhea. (Come on, you would too!!)

Day 12/13: Arrived at our beach resort, where every one of us had our own beach hut. I luckily got one facing directly out to the Red Sea, (small penance for my recent bowel issues, I thought) It was nice just to relax out on the beach all day and evening with nobody around but our group.

In summary, the trip was an absolute blast and glad that I decided to join a tour group, especially with such an excellent tour guide (even though my neck is still sore from all the times I got slapped!) and great travelling buddies to a destination filled with so much history and sights to see.