A subtle word about walking, ladies and gentlemen

I have been doing A LOT of walking over the past eight months through 21 countries, so suffice it to say that I have seen enough to warrant its own post. I have done so much walking, in fact, that one of my shoes almost blew up: http://danielstriparoundtheworld.blogspot.com/2008/10/hamburgers-in-hamburg-and-chasing-down.html

So what I'm about to say does not really pertain to one country (though being in Argentina has certainly inspired me) but I have to say that everybody in this world should be required to take a walking license. Allow me to describe the various knucklehead walkers out there so that you can walk with a little bit of grace and dignity as you backpack through your next destination, as well as maybe teach a few of you offenders out there....

"The Flat Tire" If you were driving on the road and you suddenly got a flat tire, would you slam on the brakes and just stay parked there? NO!! You should slowly veer off to the right shoulder until you come to a safe stop to avoid anybody from crashing into you from behind. Why can't you apply the same rules when you walk??!!

"The Six Pack" It is said that this form of walking originated on the streets of Buenos Aires. They built sidewalks to allow people to walk in both directions, people. What kind of wolf pack behavior are you trying to display? Two by two, maybe three at most is adequate on a sidewalk. Any more than that and the gloves are off.

"The Dilly Dallyer" I really don't have a problem with you. In fact, I dilly dally quite often myself when I am discovering a new city. Just don't dilly dally between me and a "Six Pack," there's bound to be some collateral damage and it's usually the innocent bystander, err, Dilly Dallyer, who gets knocked down.

"The Chicken" Aptly named not for its resemblance to the actual chicken, but its propensity to engage in the game of chicken. I normally don't care for such mindless headgames when walking or dilly dallying but if I have an 18kg backpack on me, that makes it pretty difficult for me to be spry and nimble. I am going straight whether you like it or not, and that means you too, grandma. (Editorial note: if you lived in Hong Kong, you would understand. And no, I haven't knocked a grandma down....Yet!)

"The Cha Cha Cha-er" I take a step RIGHT to avoid you (because the rules of the road apply here, remember?) and what do you do? You take a step LEFT, which means I have to stop my nimble self, change directions, and take a step LEFT to compensate for your erroneous knucklehead walking ways. So, what do you do as a token of your appreciation for me? You take a step RIGHT! Look, I'm not here to dance with you. If you insist on dancing while walking, try the Moonwalk, the Running Man, or the Electric Slide.

"The Inseparable Couple" Similar to the Six Pack, except worse because they have 10 fingers interlaced together in a Vulcan death grip. Look, I know you two are madly in love and I'm happy for you. BUT... letting go of each others hands for just one second will not mean the end of the world. Rather, it means I can pass you two without having to plow through some stupid makeshift human finish line.

"The Shover" I realize my backpack is big and yes, sometimes I feel like a cross between The Hunchback of Notre Dame and a human-sized turtle. I do my best to avoid knocking over things and people, especially young kids. But if you walk in my blindspot (remember the rules of the road?) you're bound to get hit. If this happens, do not overreact and push my backpack aside. I am extremely top heavy, so the slightest nudge can send me tumbling out onto the street. As inanimate as my backpack may seem to you, it just so happens to be attached to a human being named Daniel. Daniel doesn't like to get pushed around. In fact, Daniel just wants to find his hostel.

"Mary freakin Poppins" I don't know, maybe when you were a kid in school you got picked on for having the smallest umbrella. Maybe you still feel a little inadequate about that and decided to overcompensate by pulling out your SUV-sized Hawaiian Tropic beach umbrella everytime it sprinkles. Heck, maybe you think one day a huge breeze will pick you up and launch you above the masses and the frustration of walking with so many knuckleheads around us. Admirable as that may be, it won't happen my friend. What DOES happen is that anybody who isn't wearing a hockey mask will get gouged in the face and you, ignorant Mary, will be oblivious to it all.

"The Blind Drunk" Just as I would avoid a swerving car on the freeway, so too, a swerving person on the sidewalk. Thank you for not driving.

"The Window Shopper" Wow, that 70% off sale got your attention, eh? Do me a favor, stop and go inside! What a novel idea!! Do not keep walking like a cracked out zombie with your rubber neck craned away from oncoming traffic. Somebody, including yours truly, just may have narrowly avoided an accident with a Six Pack or just finished doing the Cha Cha with another idiot. I may not see you in time so don't glare at me like I just crashed into you on purpose. But in a mean kinda way, I am glad I did.

"The Tour Group" The mother of all nightmares, the worst of them all. The Tour Group typically includes some, if not all, of the aforementioned idiots coming at you like a Mongolian horde. I myself barely survived two occasions and luckily lived to see another day. I do not wish this upon anybody and encourage you to avoid them at all costs.

Happy walking, everybody!